You’ve heard it all before -- don’t forget date night! Schedule time with your mate! But before you know it, the week -- no the month -- has gone by and the the closest you’ve been to a date is getting through half of a movie on Netflix before the two of you pass out on the couch. There always seems to be a million good reasons why we make time with our spouse the least pressing engagement. That little bit of extra sleep, the chance to spend some time with kids (who, between work schedules and after school activities, can be as tough to see as an a-list hair dresser), or even the rare moment to see a girl-friend, get to a yoga class, or work a little on that project you promised yourself would get done this year. Somehow everything else can feel a little more urgent than that date you promised each other.
But here is why your time alone as a couple is urgent. Intimacy is a practice, a verb, and a discipline. Unless we keep at it, we lose the ability to achieve it. Think of intimacy as a path between you and your mate. Without frequent use, the path becomes overgrown, until finally time, you forget where it is. And intimacy requires time. Think of time alone with your mate as the open space where conversation and shared experience naturally weave you closer together. There is a delicious closeness that grows around the shared terrain of family and parenting. But the kind of intimacy that supports a marriage needs the mutual recognition of two people who exist beyond the world of parenting. It requires seeing each other as separate and unique individuals -- something that is nearly impossible to do in frantic morning dashes, or through emails about schedules and to-do lists, over family dinners (which are lovely and important but primarily about the kids), etc.
Like anything else in life, the more diligent you are in your practice of intimacy, the more devoted and mindful your approach is, the greater the benefit that will flow to you and even the people around you. Not only do you reap the reward of a more vital marital connection, you are investing in the health of your whole family. Children can learn important lessons about valuing relationships by observing how their parents invest time and energy in their own marriage. They experience a sense of safety and freedom to attend to their needs when they have a felt sense that their parents do the same for themselves. And, perhaps most importantly, they benefit from living in a home imbued with warmth and connection rather than conflict, separation and stress.
So remind each other that your time alone together can’t wait and move your date nights back to the top of your list. As I often counsel couples I work with in my marital therapy practice, the trick to honoring your commitment to spend quality time together lies in the details. You are much more likely to keep a date that has been scheduled in advance and formally marked in your calendars. I have also observed a tendency in the couples I work with to go on one date, and then rest on the laurels of their achievement and forget about doing it again until months later. But the one-off date is not enough -- it needs to be a repeat affair. Try to schedule several dates at a time, or make a commitment to always having at least one date on the calendar. Last but not least, at the same time you plan your date, make plans for someone to watch the kids. Don’t let lack of child-care be the excuse for not spending time alone with your mate -- you kids need you to do this as much as you do!
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